This is The Philosophy of Moore eSSentials

Cheesy Philosophy

“In our philosophy, Sharp Cheddar is the best cheese.”

Jason has a degree in Philosophy. Which means this could be a long drawn out dissertation, yammering on about the epistemological differences between categorical imperatives and… blah blah blah.

We won’t subject you to that. In fact, the abuse of the word philosophy is one of Jason’s pet peeves. Philosophy isn’t opinion. And if it were, Blue Stilton would crush Cheddar!

We will define our company with a few core tenets and then some highly polarizing opinions. We will leave the actual philosophy to industry experts.

Truths

  • Knowledge makes life easier. From the first caveman to know how to start a fire to those clairvoyant enough to know tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers, this has been repeatedly proven. Let’s add to that; instant knowledge is even better. Ever Google something to win an argument? Bam, instant knowledge, you win, and gloating ensues. We decided to share our knowledge of advanced search techniques to enable you to gloat (of course) but also so you can find more people, close more deals, retire earlier and start that second career in seashell art you’ve secretly considered.
  • Being evil is hard work. When you are one of the good guys, you have to worry about all the bad guys in the world. Lex Luthor could be out to get us. But when you are the bad guys you have to worry about all of the good guys, all of the bad guys, and your conscience. That’s just too exhausting. We are therefore committed to keeping the evil out of genius.
  • Money can buy a degree of happiness. It is not an evil, but a tool in life. Studies have shown the correlation between wealth and life satisfaction. And if we end up billionaires and are clearly wrong, we will take down this precept. (And cry ourselves to sleep in our orbital mansion.) As you may have heard, time is money. All the cash in the world is useless without the time for a good vacation. Our tools are to help you make more money and have more time. We just want you to be happy. Since we can’t send all of you on vacation, we offer this.
  • Laziness is good. This is implied by each of the previous, so we are just spelling it out. Driving is lazier than walking. It also lets you go farther and get more done. Walking is great for you, true. But we still drive to the gym, so we have time to stop at the book store before we get home. Some people think laziness is “not working to accomplish your goals.” No. That’s just failure. Laziness is working the least amount possible to realize your objectives. Work smarter, not harder.

Highly Polarizing Opinions

  • Swimming is better than running.  Marco Polo on land is just a blindfolded game of Tag. That’s cruel and dangerous.
  • The best television shows are canceled too early. Seriously, how did The Love Boat run for ten seasons while Firefly only made it for fourteen episodes? Jersey Shore gets twice as many seasons as the original Star Trek or Gilligan’s Island?
  • Chicago is the best city in the Midwest. Sorry Des Moines. It just wasn’t in the cards for you.
  • Cheese is delicious. Why else would they make vegan cheese? It’s for people who declare animal products to be wrong, yet still need their fix.

Deep Thoughts

Talk to the Philosopher

Would you like fries with that?
Deep Thoughts