Let us continue down the path of inner dialogue and the lies we tell ourselves. Our brains can be peculiar sometimes. You’ve likely heard Jason say, humans learn faster than any AI can learn. We can put our hand on a hot stove, get burned, and never do it again. We can learn in one instant not to touch metal that is glowing, not to touch flames, and even not to touch something recently on hot metal or in fire. This is linear processing, it’s cause and effect, and it’s near immediate.

Life would be simple if there was always linear, immediate, cause and effect across our experiences. But there isn’t, and here’s where our brains get a little wonky. We crave cause and effect. We want a reason. We want to know why. And we love a good story, even the ones we make up in our own heads. And no surprise here, we’re often the hero of our own made-up stories.

Here’s an easy example.

You’re driving to a meeting with a prospective client. If you don’t get this engagement fee you’re not sure how you’ll pay your mortgage. You’re nervous, you’re trying not to be late, you must make a good impression, you’re running through Discovery questions in your head, and you realize you are about to miss the turn, you switch lanes quickly, and just make the turn. Whew! You wouldn’t have had time to turn around, that extra couple of minutes would have made you late. As you’re turning, you see someone in a car behind you (you didn’t see them when you changed lanes), but they are right up on you, and they are mad as hell because you cut them off. You momentarily feel bad, and then go back to your mental prep for the meeting, while hoping to be there on time.

Now let’s do the reverse. You’re driving somewhere, responsibly focused on the road, when out of nowhere, this jerk pulls into your lane, and almost causes an accident! You swerve, hit your horn, almost hit the curb, your heart is racing, your palms are instantly sweating, and perhaps something like this goes through your brain or comes out of your mouth… They need to learn how to drive. Moron! You shouldn’t be on the road if you can’t control your car. What an a$$hole! People suck!

When you’re the jerk, you have context. You know the story already. The meeting is super important (you need the bathroom, you’re going to the hospital, you’re late to pick up a sick child), whatever it is, you know your story, and the reason for your mistake is justified.

When we don’t know the story (which we often can’t know with a stranger), we’ll make one up and we aren’t nice about it. We don’t give strangers the same grace we give ourselves in these moments. But can we? I’d argue we can. 

So, what can we do about this tendency? How can we break free from the lies we tell ourselves and extend more grace to others? Here are a few tangible suggestions:

1. Pause before reacting: When someone cuts you off in traffic or does something that annoys you, take a deep breath. Count to five. Give yourself a moment to cool down before jumping to conclusions.
2. Play the “what if” game: Challenge yourself to come up with three positive reasons why someone might have acted the way they did. What if they’re rushing to the hospital? What if they just got terrible news? What if they’re having the worst day of their life?
3. Reflect on your own “jerk” moments: Keep a small notebook or use your phone to jot down times when you’ve been less than perfect. Revisit these moments regularly to remind yourself we all make mistakes.
4. Practice empathy exercises: Spend a few minutes each day imagining life from someone else’s perspective. It could be a stranger you saw on the street or a character from a book. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
5. Call yourself out: When you catch yourself making up negative stories about others, say “plot twist” out loud. It’s a silly trick, but it can help interrupt that mental narrative and remind you that you don’t know the whole story.

Remember, we’re all the heroes of our own stories. But maybe, just maybe, if we start giving others the benefit of the doubt, we can all be supporting characters in each other’s tales of redemption and understanding.