We’ve all heard it. Sometimes from our children, candidates, clients, spouses, friends, vendors… it’s prevalent across humanity and often manifests as nebulous blame.

•     “It wasn’t my fault I was late for the interview, traffic was terrible!”
•     “It’s impossible to make money, this market is awful!”
•     “How can I do BD when no one ever answers the phone?”

We can all come up with dozens of these types of statements off the top of our heads, and of course, there will be anomalies, but most of these things are within your control. You could have planned for traffic. You could have worked harder. You could have made more calls. You’re in charge of your activity.

A sister phrase to, “It’s not my fault that” is “I can’t…” Actually… you probably can. You probably can do something. It’s your job to figure out what that something is.

This is the foundation of a concept Tony Robbins preaches often – Life happens for you, not to you. The for and the to make a huge difference in your entire mindset. As we discussed at length in our recent Money Mindset & Management Deep Learning, the language we use with ourselves is the most important language we use.

When you start feeling like things are happening to you, you slowly convince yourself nothing is your responsibility (which feels great! It absolves you from responsibility and is an easier, but less successful way to live.) You don’t need to do deep work on yourself, because you aren’t the problem. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. You are the problem. In the vast majority of your life, your habits have dictated your circumstances.

•     Have automatic investment transfers set up? That habit builds wealth.
•     Exercise daily or multiple times a week? That habit builds health.
•     Consistently make business development calls every day? That habit builds a pipeline.
•     Blame others and think everything is out of your control? That habit builds an unhappy life.

The first three bullets are active, the last is passive. How do we change it? First, you have to find it. Listen to the words you use in your internal dialogue. If it’s hard to hear them, write in a journal. Are you blaming others? Are you abdicating responsibility for your lot in life? Or maybe just for where you are today.

Change the language. Instead of saying, “I was late because traffic was bad”, say, “Sorry, I should have planned for traffic. I’ll consider that next time.”

Next time you feel yourself saying I can’t, change it to, I choose not to because. It looks like this:

Instead of saying, I can’t make cold calls because no one answers, change it to, I choose not to  make cold calls because I’m scared someone will answer.

The more real we get with ourselves, the faster we uncover the root problem and can make the necessary adjustments. Too often, we’re lying to ourselves, and that gets us nowhere.

It’s your life it. Own it.