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Grandparents… Never Say These Things to Your Grandchildren

Times change. Kids have a different perspective on the world than we do. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can become those grandparents. The ones with the very best intentions, who simply because of a lack of awareness, inadvertently offend. Here’s a solid list of phrases to avoid, with clear explanations for why they should be off-limits.

  1.   “Don’t tell your parents …”
    It undermines parental authority and encourages secrecy, which can set a dangerous precedent. Kids need to know they can always trust their parents.
  2.   “You’re getting so big! Have you put on weight?”
    Comments about appearance can damage self-esteem and foster unhealthy body image concerns. Focus on character and achievements instead.
  3.   “Wow, you ate more than I did!”
    Statements about eating habits can lead to shame or confusion about hunger cues. Let kids listen to their bodies without judgment.
  4.   “You’re so spoiled.”
    Labeling behavior as “spoiled” places blame solely on the child, ignoring other contributing factors. It’s more effective to model gratitude and patience.
  5.   “You better give me a hug!”
    This pressures children to ignore their comfort levels and can confuse them about bodily autonomy and consent.
  6.   “Your parents are wrong about …”
    Criticizing parents to the children fosters division and confusion. It’s better to address concerns directly with the parents.
  7.   “Why aren’t you married yet?”
    Asking older grandkids can feel intrusive and judgmental. Celebrate their individuality and personal milestones instead.
  8.   “Back in my day, we didn’t …”
    This can come across as dismissive of current challenges or differences, making grandkids feel invalidated.
  9.   “Boys don’t cry” or “Be a good girl.”
    Gendered expectations reinforce outdated stereotypes and limit emotional expression or independence.
  10. “You should’ve done better.”
    Criticizing performance in school, sports, or other activities can erode confidence. Encourage effort and growth instead.
  11. “When I was your age, I had it much harder.”
    While it may be intended to inspire resilience, it often minimizes the child’s current struggles.
  12. “Why aren’t you more like …?”
    Comparing siblings or cousins breeds insecurity and jealousy, damaging self-worth and relationships.
  13. “You’re too sensitive.”
    Dismissing emotions invalidates the child’s feelings and discourages open communication.
  14. “Why don’t you have more friends?”
    Questioning social status can embarrass children and make them feel inadequate.
  15. “You always …” or “You never …”
    Global statements feel unfair and paint the child in a negative light, discouraging growth. They don’t always or never do anything.
  16. “You shouldn’t play with that; it’s for boys/girls.”
    Restricting play based on gender reinforces stereotypes and stifles creativity.
  17. “If you loved me, you’d …”
    Emotional manipulation creates guilt and strain, making kids feel responsible for adult emotions, which is wildly inappropriate even if your grandchildren are adults themselves.
  18. “You’ll grow out of it.”
    While it might be true, this phrase can dismiss valid feelings or experiences the child is currently facing.
  19. “You were an accident!”
    Joking about unplanned pregnancies may seem harmless but can make kids question their worth or place in the family.
  20. “You’re the smart/pretty one in the family.”
    Singling out traits creates pressure and can alienate siblings or cousins, fostering unhealthy comparisons.

Word choice matters, especially when coming from someone as influential as a grandparent. By avoiding these phrases and focusing on affirming respectful communication, you can build deeper, more meaningful connections with your grandkids, and not inadvertently offend those you love.

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Tricia Tamkin, headhunter, advisor, coach, and gladiator. Tricia has spoken at over 50 recruiting events, been quoted in multiple national publications, and her name is often dropped in groups as the solution to any recruiters’ challenges. She brings over 30 years of deep recruiting experience and offers counsel in a way which is perspective changing and entertaining.

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