You wanted a recap, well you got it. In week one, we covered how to improve Credibility so people will believe your scripts. In week two, we talked about having the Confidence, so you believe your own scripts. Last week was Charisma: where we talked about openness and warmth as ways of making people want to hear your script. It led us to the idea of rapport.  And the final section of how to make your scripts work better.

Community is required for influence. Community is how much others feel like we are in the same tribe, group, belonging they are in. Think of someone diabolically opposite of your beliefs: moral, political, religious, scientific. They don’t even value your existence. Now how much would you be swayed by that person if they told you to eat at their new restaurant? We build community by finding those commonalities, inviting others in, and specifically not pointing out differences and divisors. No one likes to be pointed at and told they are different, we like to believe it in private.

We listen to our community. Think back in child terms, because that’s where the behavior was conditioned. Imagine there are 2 third grade classes. You’re a third grader who missed their homework. You could likely get accurate information from your teacher, anyone in your class, and maybe their parents. Meanwhile, you learned how no one outside of that community could help you in any way.

It’s a simple if unfortunate fact- most people don’t want to work with an outsider. Stranger. Unknown. Foreigner. Outcast. Recluse. Those are literally just synonyms, yet our minds are wired to see those words and feel negativity. Stranger Danger saves lives, but there is also infinite diversity through infinite combinations. The script trick to not be a stranger is to build rapport.

Imagine a 110 lbs, eager fitness influencer bouncing and telling you she can help you get in shape. You may not feel a sense of connection from that description. What if that person was your age, and started by telling you she used to work a desk job and struggled with food impulse control after a long day? Some of you are in great shape, and for others of us, we had a sudden greater sense of rapport. With that rapport comes a greater willingness to listen to her script about getting in better shape.

There are two ways to fake rapport. That’s right, I said fake it. The first is completely dishonest. Oh you like fishing, me too! (Now you must fake an entire hobby and interest for the duration of the relationship.) Don’t do this one. When that fitness influencer lacks stretch marks, it suddenly feels like a scam.

The second is to dig in from curiosity we talked about with Charisma to find the commonalities. If someone tells you what they love, you can first agree and acknowledge what they said, and tell them what parts, even tangentially, directly appeal to you. They love to fish? Maybe you love to be on the water or your grandfather loved to fish. This way the connection is true, even if inexact.

As adults, we don’t need to engage with the activity like we did as youths. If you had friends from high school, you don’t still need to be in class together to be friends. So many people are frankly starved for connection, it doesn’t have to an exact match combined with a date to enjoy a shared activity. It just needs to be a tenuous connection which makes them feel like they have things in common with you.

And yes, you can do this with research instead of deep, awkward, probing questions. Do the research after they have agreed to a meeting. Frame your own questions and stories around details you know about them, but loosely enough so you don’t seem like a stalker. We aren’t forcing the connection, just making sure not to build a wall.

We don’t even need to like someone within our community to believe they can help us. (The know-it-all at work isn’t necessarily your favorite person.) Charisma helps, but the most charming person from a different workplace won’t even understand the problem. Our services are meant to help solve their problems, and they have to feel like we “get it.”

Remember, a chameleon isn’t a shapeshifter. You can show different colors in different situations, without becoming untrue to who you are. Your scripts will work better, and maybe the world will be a little better place when we actively build the bridge towards how alike we are.